What I've done
by Ceillean
Summary: Kyp Durron reflects on his past and has a very unexpected visitor


Green eyes stared back at him as Kyp Durron took a long, sorrowful look into the mirror.

His dark curls were plastered to his head, a few drops of still warm water pearling off his athletic body.

The expression on his face was one of carefully rehearsed contentment.

This was the face he let his friends and colleagues see.

But not one of them knew what Kyp Durron was like on the inside. None of them knew about his nightmares, about his fears and ultimately about his regrets.

What a beautiful lie he had built up around himself.

At times like these, he wished he had someone to talk to. Someone who could objectively listen to what he had to say, without the knowing look in their eyes of watching a murderer, a monster.

At times like these, he wished he could forget.

The universe around him was far too quiet; a quietness he knew he would never be able to get used to.

The calm made him edgy, allowed him to think.

And at this very moment, thinking was something he did not want to do.

All his thoughts, every inkling and fibre of his mind, took him back to the time where one mistake had changed his entire life forever.

He scowled at his reflection, as memories he had tried to repress resurfaced, trying to yet again torment his already torn soul.

Why could he not forget?

Why could he not let the past be?

A long sigh escaped his throat as he closed his eyes.

_Because the past will always come back to haunt me._

_Because I will never be able to justify what I've done._

"I don't know if I can do this." he whispered towards his reflection. "I don't know how."

Uncertainty was something Kyp had always had to grapple with. Even as a young boy he had felt awkward towards the other children his age, knowing deep down that something about him was different.

The only person he could really open up to had been his older brother, his best friend.

And when the Empire had taken Zeth away…

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the memories of his brother.

_You'll have to face yourself. One way or the other._

A cold shiver ran down his spine as he thought back to the spice mines of Kessel.

During the time his parents had still been alive it had been tolerable. When he had woken up he could look forward to at least being with a part of his loving family.

His mothers smile had warmed him and his fathers' hugs had comforted him.

Even after so many years tears sprang to his eyes as he remembered their beautiful faces, their loving caresses.

And then they had died.

His own anguished screams still echoed within his mind. In his nightmares he could still make out their lifeless bodies as they lay on the cold floor.

His mothers beautiful dark eyes had still been open…

Kyp didn't quite remember who had carried him away from the scene but when he had been able to think clearly again, he had found himself hiding in the dark tunnels.

That had been the first time he had vowed never to be helpless again. Never again would he let anyone try to harm him. He would fight as hard as his little body would let him.

Kyp now supposed it had been more than just sheer dumb luck that he had met an old woman who saw within him the Force potential he could now use to its full extent. He had thought her to be senile, an old beggars woman on the verge of her own death.

But to his utter astonishment, she had been correct. In times of need he could will certain things to happen. Small things, unimportant things, but nonetheless, it was _his _mind that _willed_ it so.

It had taken many years before he had let himself hope again. He had considered himself a broken shell, living every single day the same, nothing to aspire to, nothing to be gained.

And then Han and Chewie had rescued him.

To this day he owed Han everything. He would gladly give up his life for Han Solo, his friend, his father figure.

Han had managed to give him a beginning of a decent life.

Kyp had been given the choice to join Luke Skywalker's Jedi Academy and he had gladly accepted the invitation. At the beginning of his training he had appreciated everything the Jedi Master had done for him but the uncertainty he had carried along with him for so many years had turned into impatience and this had led to his greatest mistake.

While desperately seeking to be so much more, he had undergone training with the deceased Dark Lord of the Sith Exar Kun. The dark spirit seemed to know exactly what it was that Kyp had wanted. All Kyp's questions had been answered, all doors seemingly opened for him to wander through.

_Everything_ had seemed to be possible. Everything.

And the one thing he wanted more than anything, while succumbing to the Dark Side of the Force, had been revenge.

His first obligation had been to erase what was left of the Empire.

In his grasp he had held one of the many powerful weapons the Empire had ordered built.

How ironic it was that this weapon might have been their downfall, had things transpired they way he had then intended.

And while searching for his brother at the Imperial training Academy of Carida, in his angry twisted mind, he had pushed the button to destroy the system.

Killing his brother and every sentient being residing on the planet in the process.

_I'm a murderer…_

Again Kyp Durron gazed towards his reflection and wondered briefly what it was that he had become.

Were the majority of people correct in their assessment of him being a danger to society? Should he have been executed as so many had demanded?

_It would have been the right thing to do. _

He was glad that he was still alive. He could try to make amends this way, although it grew harder every day.

_What's the use?_ he asked himself. _Who cares about what I do?_

But deep down inside he yearned for acceptance. He wanted people to see him as Kyp Durron – the person who he really was – not the murderer of millions.

He wanted forgiveness.

He turned away from the mirror and headed to the living area. The windows were still open, a cool draft touching his damp skin as he gathered up his clothes to get dressed and settled onto the sofa.

Leaning back he closed his eyes, while trying to gain a small moment of peace, away from the menace he had been as a youth.

"I care about what you do." said a deep voice, startling Kyp out of his reverie.

He sat back up and gazed across the room towards a tall figure leaning against the plain grey wall. Clad in black clothing, his short dark hair in casual disarray, the figures' green eyes gleamed with a fierceness Kyp had almost forgotten.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. What's done is done."

Kyp frowned and crossed his arms across his chest, "Either I'm completely losing my sanity or this is one hell of a bad dream."

The figure shrugged and a small smile tugged at his lips, "Who knows? Maybe you're dreaming, maybe you're going crazy, maybe I'm just a Force projection. Fact is I'm here. That's what counts." He moved away from the wall and sat opposite Kyp on the sofa, his smile widening, "It's been a while, huh? You've grown, little brother."

Kyp ignored the remark, "Why are you here?" he asked softly.

Zeth shrugged, "You called, I guess. I mean, look at you. Sitting here all alone, sulking and whining about what's happened in your life." He held up a hand as he noticed Kyp's dark look, "There's nothing you can do about the past, Kyp. It's over and done with. As hard as it may be, suck it up and live with it."

Kyp had forgotten about one of the most annoying traits Zeth Durron had used to exhibit, always having something to say even if the situation warranted him to better be quiet.

"Easier said than done. You don't know how people look at me, the way they treat me once they realize who it is they're talking to." He sighed, "I've lied so many times just to feel normal for a while. Self preservation, I suppose."

Zeth chuckled, "You're scared, and that's all. You just don't want to admit it."

The younger brother scowled at him and Zeth laughed, "Feels like old times, doesn't it?"

Kyp nodded and said with a laugh, "Yeah. Me wishing for you to shut up."

"Is this any way to treat your brother you haven't seen for so many years? Come on Kyp. Now's your chance to be honest with yourself. Didn't you want someone to listen to you? To believe what's going on in that strange head of yours?" Zeth grinned, "That's why I'm here."

Kyp sighed and slowly shook his head, "I wish this were real, you know."

Zeth shrugged, "I'm as real as you want me to be, little brother. And as long as you need me, I will be here for you."

"I'm the reason you're dead, Zeth!" Kyp suddenly shouted, his anger towards himself getting the best of him, "How can you be so calm about this?"

Zeth took a deep breath and let it out with an audible sigh, "I don't mind having died, to tell you the truth. It's different now but better." His gaze wandered off towards the window. "I forgive you, you know."

This caught Kyp off guard and he blinked, "What?"

"I forgive you." Zeth said softly, "For everything you've done and for everything you're going to do. I forgive you." He paused for only a moment, letting what he had just said sink in, "And now it's about time for you to do the same."

Kyp slowly shook his head as he jumped to his feet and started pacing up and down the living area. "I don't know if I can, Zeth. How can I forgive myself when the people I've hurt so badly would never even consider it?"

Zeth scowled at his younger brother, "It's not about the others. This is about _you_." He sighed, "Let me ask you this; how do you expect to live a halfway decent life if you keep hiding?"

"I'm not –"

"Yes, you are."

Kyp turned away from his brother and walked to the window, gazing across the lighted landscape of the capitol. At night the city was so much more spectacular; a hive of never ending activity. Buildings seemingly built to reach the sky, traffic lanes as far as the eye could see and colourful lights making Coruscant seem like an amusement centre in itself.

"I try to keep a low profile." the younger brother whispered, "I feel uncomfortable when people begin to recognize me."

Zeth came to stand beside him, one hand ruffling his brothers' damp hair, "Completely understandable. But you have to face them."

Kyp sighed and nodded slowly, "I know." He crossed his arms in front of his chest, "You're right, Zeth. I am scared."

It felt odd finally admitting what had been hovering in front of him all this time.

"To fear is perfectly normal."

"I feel like a coward." Kyp hissed under his breath, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Zeth smiled reassuringly, "You're not a coward, little brother. Every sentient being has to face their faults one way or the other. Some faults range higher than others but at the end, none of that matters. Facing your fears – facing _yourself_ – is essential to life. Without being able to do so…how can one expect to live?"

They stood next to each other for a long while, neither one of them speaking, both deep in thought.

Kyp wondered what his life would have been like had the Empire never meddled into his life; or _any_ life for that matter.

Would he have been happy on Deyer? Would he have still become a Jedi Knight?

Which road would Zeth have taken?

One thing he knew for sure; had he been given the chance at a decent life, he would not have been afraid.

"Do you remember the book Dad used to read to us when we were little?" Zeth suddenly asked, his gaze still sweeping the Coruscanti landscape.

Kyp smiled slightly, "Yes. _Heaven's Kingdom_."

"Be without fear in the face of your enemies." Zeth began to recite, "Be brave and upright that God may love you. Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath."

Kyp nodded, "That was your favourite part of the book. I remember." He smiled, "You used to make Dad read to you every night."

"I memorized half the book. And during all that time our family was ripped apart, those few words stuck in the back of my mind."

Kyp took a deep and steadying breath. This talk of family was prying open wounds he wished so badly would heal.

His thoughts drifted back towards his mother. The last memory before they had been herded off to Kessel was one of happiness. A bright smile had lighted up her beautiful face and Kyp remembered vividly as she had gathered his small form up into he arms and had held him fiercely, as if somehow knowing everything would soon change.

With a sigh Kyp turned away from the window and let himself fall back down onto the sofa, "Words to live by." he murmured turning his gaze back towards his brother.

"I don't know if I'll remember being here." Zeth suddenly whispered, "I wish I could come visit more often." He turned to face Kyp, "I have the feeling we won't see each other again."

Kyp smiled slyly, "I haven't yet decided if you're a figment of my imagination or the Force trying to send me a message."

Zeth shrugged, "Maybe I'm a little bit of both." He smiled then, a smile Kyp remembered had made girls go crazy, "But if you ever need someone to talk to, just close your eyes and picture me. I might even be listening." He paused for a moment taking in his surroundings with a far away look in his eyes, "You've been given a second chance, Kyp. Make the best of it."

Kyp closed his dark eyes and suppressed a shudder. Zeth was right, of course.

He _had_ been given a second chance and the best he had done so far was sulk.

A frown creased his forehead.

Not only did he feel like a coward for running away from what he inevitably needed to face but throwing away what had been returned to him by people who apparently cared a great deal for him felt downright wrong.

And deep down inside he was ashamed to admit that it had been the words of his dead brother that had reminded him.

"Thank you." Kyp whispered opening his eyes but as suddenly as Zeth had appeared, he had vanished.

He sat alone on the sofa, a long sigh escaping his throat, "Thank you." he repeated and a slight smile surfaced on his face, "For everything."

Once more he let his gaze sweep the scarcely furnished living area of his apartment, his thoughts going out to his family.

A picture of his parents floated into his mind, their eyes filled with joy as they watched their son grow old and happy. And a picture of Zeth with a big smile on his face, nodding towards his little brother with understanding showing in his eyes.

He got to his feet and grabbed his coat, "Whatever pain may come," be said silently, remembering a short phrase out of the book Zeth had loved so much, "today this ends."

He left his apartment vowing to let the past be and continue into the unwritten future.


End file.
